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Issue date: 1/29/09 Section: Columns

Robinson [Click to enlarge]

My daughter sometimes watches this show called H2O: Just Add Water on Nickelodeon. The show is about these Australian girls that can turn into mermaids. I can't honestly say I've paid a whole lot of attention to it. One morning over winter vacation, I was flipping through the channels in that weird "hunter" way that men tend to do. Convinced there was something good to watch, I was slowly stalking my prey one channel at a time up the dial. As I did so, I passed by an episode of H2O.

What little I do know of the show is this: if these girls get wet, poof, they transform into mermaids. Apparently the girls were sick or pretending to be sick. They were all in one bed and some pesky adult had gotten the idea of applying warm, wet compresses to their foreheads to make them feel better. Looks like these washcloths had just enough moisture and, hey presto, they all grew tails under the heavy comforter. Hilarity no doubt ensued. I don't know; I kept hunting up the channels.

Later, I got to thinking about-- or is that over-thinking about-this scene. If a damp cloth is enough to send their low-halves all fishy, well then as secret identity dilemmas go, these plucky young Aussie girls have certainly drawn the short end of the fish stick. How much water was enough water to trigger this transformation? I mentioned this to my wife, who told me that she'd seen an episode where one of the girls changed after getting sprayed with some water at an aquarium.

This is a rough challenge for a fictional down-under young person. I usually calibrate my teenage secret identity challenge barometer to Peter Parker. Pete's got it pretty rough. He blames himself for the death of his Uncle Ben. His frail Aunt May can't ever know he's that horrible Spider-Man or she'll keel over (again). He has tons of friends and loved ones who would be in danger if his secret was blown. He even has to finagle ways to take pictures of himself as Spidey in order to make money by selling pictures to J. Jonah Jameson, a guy who is out to ruin Spidey. Given all that though, at least Parker doesn't suddenly turn into a spider whenever a fly comes into the room. In fact, I suspect Peter would feel kind of bad for these girls.

Just think about this as you make your way around today. If you have any encounter with water, whammo, you're instant mer-folk for all to see (and presumably you don't want them to see you - don't know why, let's just pretend a shadowy government group or the Gorton's Fisherman would abduct you for dissection). I'm guessing your own bodily fluids wouldn't trigger the effect, because clearly eyeball juices or spit don't leave the Aussie girls constantly fish-ified. Obviously, we all know you can't take a shower or go swimming in public and that you'd be a virtual prisoner on rainy days. You can't wash your hands or maybe even brush your teeth. Don't spill anything on yourself. Watch out for kids with squirt guns. Stay away from people who spit a lot when they talk. No smooching your sweetie as you'd be just one big wet kiss away from fish city.

Oh and whatever you do, don't visit Maryland in the late summer. With all that humidity, you'd be doomed.

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